給我一個理由忘記 (Give me a reason to forget) ~ A-Lin

To the someone who was once mine and now someone else's. I cannot give my congratulations because I am not a good liar and I cannot ask you to be with me again because I was the one who made the decision. It is true though the distance that hurt the most now, is when I look around and you are nowhere on the map, but yet, you are always in my heart.



雨都停了 這片天灰什麼呢
我還記得 你說我們要快樂
深夜裡的腳步聲 總是刺耳
害怕寂寞 就讓狂歡的城市陪我關燈
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著

給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡

當我走在 去過的每個地方
總會聽到 你那最自由的笑
當我回到 一個人住的地方
最怕看到冬天你最愛穿的那件外套
只是哪怕周圍再多人 感覺還是一個人
每當我笑了 心卻狠狠的哭著

給我一個理由忘記 那麼愛我的你
給我一個理由放棄 當時做的決定
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡

我找不到理由忘記 大雨裡的別離
我找不到理由放棄 我等你的決心
有些愛 越想抽離卻越更清晰
而最痛的距離 是你不在身邊 卻在我的心裡
我想你

(Kitty's Translation)

The rain had stopped, why is the sky still grey?
I remembered you said we are to be happy
The footsteps in the night, always hurts my ears
Afraid of loneliness, let the carnival city switch off my lights.

Give me a reason to forget, you who love me so much
Give me a reason to give up, the decision I had made
Some love, it get clearer as you get further
And the distance that hurt the most, is when you are not here, but always in my heart.

When I walked, to places we had been
I always remembers, your laughter of freedom
When I returned, to the place I live alone
I fear to see the winter jacket you had worn
Even when there are many people around me, I am always alone
Whenever I smile, I am mercilessly crying in my heart

Give me a reason to forget, you who love me so much
Give me a reason to give up, the decision I had made
Some love, it get clearer as you get further
And the distance that hurt the most, is when you are not here, but always in my heart.

Give me a reason to forget, the parting in the rain
Give me a reason to give up, the determination I waited for you
Some love, it get clearer as you get further
And the distance that hurt the most, is when you are not here, but always in my heart.
I miss you

Anata ni Aitakute~Missing You~ - Seiko Matsuda

My use of words is never good, and more often than not, said what I did not mean, hurt what I did not intend. I wish this song could tell you how I feel. It may be late, it may be over. Every night before I close my eyes, I still holds the little hope close to my heart.



二人の部屋の扉を閉めて
思い出たちに“さよなら"告げた

あれから半年の時間が流れて
やっと笑えるのよ
毎日 忙しくしているわ
新しい人生を私なりに歩いてる…

あなたに逢いたくて 逢いたくて
眠れぬ夜は…
あなたのぬくもりを そのぬくもりを思いだし…
そっと瞳 閉じてみる

あなたの後 歩きたかった
二人で未来 築きたかった

どんなに愛しても かなうことない
愛もあることなど
気付きもしないほど あなただけ…

見つめてた 愛してた
私のすべてをかけて

あなたに逢いたくて 逢いたくて
眠れぬ夜は…
あなたのぬくもりを
そのぬくもりを思いだし…
そっと瞳 閉じてみる

一緒に 過ごした日々を
忘れないでね
後悔しないでしょう…
二人 愛し合ったこと…

あなたに逢いたくて 逢いたくて
眠れぬ夜は…
あなたのぬくもりを
そのぬくもりを思いだし…
そっと瞳 閉じてみる

愛してると つぶやいて…

Translation:

Closing the door of our room
I said goodbye to the memories
Since then, it has been half a year
I can finally smile
I have been busy
I am living a new life my own way

I want to see you. The night I want to see you and cannot sleep
Your warmth, I recall this warmth

And close my eyelids gently
I wanted to walk behind you
I wanted to make future with you
I did not even realize
That no matter how I much I love you, it does not happen
I was only looking at you, loving you, giving everything myself to you

Please don't forget the days we spent together
You don't regret, do you? The fact that we loved each other
Whisper “I love you”

The Love that Never was

It had been more than 24 hours and I realized that I had been isolated in my facebook, my google and sl account. Abandoned, like a damaged doll. Even for a brief moment in time, almost like a heartbeat, I thought we had something.

That night, when I jumped and landed on the upper platform was the beginning of this all. How I was drunk in rl and I was trying to steal the wooden rocking horse was just a fun unplanned roleplay what happened briefly. Nobody noticed or at least bothered with me. Except him. I needed the confident that night to roleplay again and no matter how unlikely things seems to be. We talked. He talked to this childish little girl which really had nothing better to do that very night.

His IM were the first time I saw when I wakes up, and the last thing I did was to IM him back right before I sleep. His words had found a place deep in my heart and it is funny how nothing much else really matters but small things like this. At one point of time, I really wondered, how is it that you would take notice of the very insignificant girl I am. It was before I knew about how popular you were from my sisters.

Many stories were told, some worse than others. But I did not lose hope, still holding on to a dream and yes it was just my dream, never was yours. You kept on jumping from girls to girls, but I never give up thinking I was special. That perhaps somehow you will find an excuse to give me a chance to be yours. Many people thought I was stupid. But I know the feeling, like sulphur going into my lungs, except in a nice way, lighting up my heart and feeling the warmth in my chest. I had not learned to love again in the past 2 years, looking past my sorrow and hardship of coping alone. And alone these 2 years had been a really long time.

How I remember some of the nicer moments, the times we spend cuddling, almost as if we are lovers in real. I cannot even given a name to it because we are not whatever that came to mind. Although we never really had a night that made you mine or me yours. It was all these little bit and pieces that makes up the beautiful puzzle in my mind now. Of how I had fell in love with an imaginary you.

Many people laughs at my 'love' for you. How I had kept to myself and not been playing with the rest of the guys in the sim. I had my dark past, but I am sure I could move past that with a little help. From you. I did not want anyone else to be here first. I felt that if anyone deserved my heart, I would want him to be you. But you just smashed it to the ground. Into a thousands pieces and mock me with people who used to be my friends. I wish I had a hole to jump into and be buried away. I feel so ashamed.

And yet, jealousy had once again wedged between us. I am no saint. As much as I wished I was. My feelings are real. I do not do things just for the reason of doing so because I can. I feel loved, happiness and lonely, sad perhaps too. Time after time, you left in the middle to run after someone else. You said it was a game. Everyone else. Maybe to you I was a game too. But I was asked to not feel it. Because I continue to believe. That when you told me you liked me, it was something real and how you cared. I was touched. Very much so because at my weakest time at the hospital. I was alone. With a mobile phone. You where there. My best friend whom I always wanted like a mom was there. Nobody else. It felt real then. I knew my sadness was real. But you comforted me as I weeps like a child there. I was truly touched. And I am not someone who love to hide my feelings. Enough. For 2 long years I had. It was not because I approve of your games. Given a choice I would object, but you made me choose if it was you or nothing. I sealed my lips and bottled my emotion. It did not felt good. I knew someday I would not be able to force any more of these inside me. That someday was that day.

I was angry and I totally lost control of myself. I had never felt so insulted and used. I keep making up excuses for you that it was how you had seen things. It may not matter to you, but it did to me. I asked for it? I kept trying to convince me that you were right, but in the end, I thought I deserved better. You are right about it is not my business. But you are my business. That is because I cared and bothered. You never really bothered about me. What I wrote and said. It never occurs to you that I wanted you to see them? Not once. I thought everything else was unreal. That night, an invisible wall was cast in between us and I realized it divides us forever. I was appreciated. In fact I was blamed. Because I felt. I, Kitty, is not a robot. And will never be one. I laughs when I am happy and cries when I am sad. I am more human than I want to admit.

It has been more than a day now. I notice how you had deleted all links with me. I know you will never read this. But still my heart hopes. I do not know why. My sis told me that you are no good for me, like poison I kept drinking and killing myself slowly. She wanted me to block you. I did, but I cheated. I know you could still contact me if you really want to. Until I realized that I was blocked off your facebook as well. I wanted to call you and cry, to beg you to take me back, not a care of how pathetic and shameless I looked. I wanted to tell you, I wont care as long as you are still with me, what you treat me as. But I knew better. I knew I had missed that chance. I can only wonder who you are holding now, and it will never be me in your embrace. I still find myself lost and confused, trapped in the memories of the past, of some truth in it and some of my imaginary possibilities. I feel myself drowning in this denial to believe that you are gone. I knew many will laugh behind my back. This stupid girl. But I know its ok. Because I don't care anymore. I wish I could see your IM, but remember how I had now blocked you and you probably never bothered trying to reach me anyway. I wished you had dropped me an email, telling me how all these is going to be okay and I will live on. But I know in the end... The truth is when it comes to choosing, I am all the way at the bottom of your list. Never been yours and never will be.

That is all that there is now. Me and myself. And I never realized how much it can hurt to love someone who never was mine.

When You Lose Someone You Never Had

This is a repost of "When You Lose Someone You Never Had" from : http://thoughtcatalog.com/ari-eastman/2014/12/when-you-lose-someone-you-never-had/

Why I did this repost is because many words she had used had really described what I felt, to be in love with something that doesn't exist or exist in a form that was all out to abuse my feeling instead. I knew there aren't a tomorrow for those and now its all in the yesterdays. With a heavy heart, I realized that I had been removed, deleted and wiped out from his past as he pursues newer girls, perhaps even younger ones.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt and my lives goes on without a glitch. The thought that perhaps even if it is for a short while that someone good and memorable would grow out of this becames nothing more than a cruel joke I played on myself. But lives do go on. Just that it would be me and myself now.

In college, I was heavily involved in the spoken word scene on campus. I was a total artistic cliche and brought a notebook everywhere I went, was a staff member that helped run a weekly open mic, and competed on a slam team (can you guess I was not athletic in high school? #teampoetry). I’m no stranger to being in rooms with people oozing emotions. I have heard more love poems, more heart-broken poems, more “BETTER WITHOUT YOU” poems than you can even imagine. But you want to know the ones that were absolutely drenched in the most pain? The ones about almost lovers. The relationships that ended before they even truly began. Those are the suckers that punch you right in the gut.

I’ve been in love with my imagination for a very long time now. It’s the first thing you really learn to explore in life, even before the real world. Daydreams are the best friend of many kids, and to be honest, if it’s something I was supposed to outgrow, I never did. We can build up so much by just thinking. Isn’t that incredible? We just think and our bodies react. You think about the way his lips would feel on your neck and your heart rate increases. You envision her smile and you feel goosebumps spring forth along your arms. You think and then feel. I still can’t quite get over that.

When you fall for someone, the thinking and feeling get so intertwined. If you were to look at something in a completely rational way, you’d understand nothing is a promise. You are not guaranteed anything in life. Words can be rendered meaningless, so to hold them as high as we do is maybe our own undoing. But that will not lessen what you feel. Developing romantic feelings for someone means you will begin to daydream. You will imagine a future, even if that future is only the next day. You just can’t help it. This is part of being human. Do not beat yourself up for this.

The almost lover is like getting the rug pulled from beneath you. You haven’t even found proper footing yet. You are still daydreaming, remember? You are thinking about that tomorrow, the breakfast or trailer for a movie you think the two of you would enjoy. There are so many tomorrows you haven’t had yet. It’s an end to something you haven’t even had a real chance to start. This is the hardest thing to let go of: the thing you never really had.

Break ups are difficult beasts, no matter the circumstances. Even in the most healthy, mutual parting of ways, it’s going to suck. You say goodbye to a part of your life, to a person, to a whole chapter. But what do you do when you haven’t even been given the opportunity to write that chapter? You fixate. You focus. You dive so deep into day dreams and imaginary worlds, thinking about all that could have been. You have to move forward with so many unanswered questions, and this is one of the most difficult things to do.

But you can, and you will. The almost lover teaches you something very valuable. You learn how to continue without always gaining closure. We aren’t always granted something clean and easy to understand. Shit happens. It’s not fancy or grand. It’s just a fact. And when something disappoints you, it stings. It hurts and let yourself be hurt. Feel what you need to feel. But at a certain point, you’ll stand back up. You’ll brush off the dirt and the bruises will start to heal. You keep going. And then one day, the almost lover isn’t just an almost.

Goodbye Winnie

On 6th Dec 2014... My only companion in life had left me. It was 9 long years we had together and it really pains me so much that it affected most of what I was doing in sl and rl. It was fortunately I have good friends with me that had helped me though the worse of times and given me comfort when I needed it. I wanted to thank each and everyone of you for that. 

This is a tombstone created for me by my designer and close friend Trinity. I know Winnie would have loved this. 

Although I am alone now, I will continue my journey with a new Kitty I adopted from the rescue group. And Winnie I hope you will give me blessing for her and see us through the hardest of time. 

Forever you are in my heart and your memory stay here, a part of me left with you. I will miss you... VERY MUCH Winnie. See you over the rainbow bridge someday. I promised.

2005-2014. Aways miss you. Winnie. 

I Wish I Could Just Die

I thought you would never leave me

I thought you would never lie,

You said you two were nothing,

I wish I could just die.

How could you play me this way?

Why would you not tell me instead?

You should had set me free and just let me be!

How could you live with yourself?

How could you look at her face and tell her that you love her? 

When you told me you only like me.

Why drag me along, when you know you were wrong?

You told me you miss me, you told me that you cared.

I believed you because I was scared.

Afraid to loose my lover, not knowing it was all over.

Where was she all this time, when I was sure you were mine?

You promised her eternity, but you could not give me an alternative.

Why would you mark me this way, 

you have left a stain that shames my name.

Because my love for you was so strong.

I thought I could never hate you but I guess I was wrong,

All I can do now is sit and analyze 

And hope one day I would realize.

That I did not deserve this and you should have told me.

Today I move on with a heart made of stone,

All I can say I wish I had known.

Crier ~ Unfragment Broken

I step out and try to make everything in the day worth my while,
But as soon as I step back in my room, I burst into tears and cry.
Holding onto this heart just causes me more and more pain,
Just take it away and let me die.

Ending it all, ending all, so I don’t have to feel the pain.
Doing no more, doing no more, so you don’t have to say so.
Crying all the time so I can just let everything spill out,
Feeling useless hurts, but who would know?

Being forgotten is just another symptom when I’m all alone, and when I cry,
I just fall asleep right after to pass my life away.
And so I don’t have to listen to everyone’s insults when I do something wrong,
I lock myself up and stay.

Lock it away, lock it away, so I don’t have to hear you say anything to me.
Closing my eyes, closing my eyes, so I don’t have to see anything that is hurtful.
Sitting alone, sitting alone, so I don’t hurt anyone else around me.
When I’m alone, how is life ever joyful?

Seeing as though I can’t do anything right, why do I even try?
Everyone just brushes me off, then makes fun of me when I try.
Even climbing up the stairs is hard when I can’t feel anything,
When I fall back down and hurt myself, all I can do is cry.

No one is there, no one is there, to help me back up again.
Flooding the room, flooding the room, with all my tears of anger and sadness.
Dying alone, dying alone, I can’t do anything but lay here and die alone.
If only I could have had one moment of bliss.

Sarah Parries's Jenner

It's seldom that I put up OOC posts, well not that often, but this is not just OOC, its OOG (Out of Game) but I see a need to.

SL is probably not the only game most people play (if you even call it a game), and likewise Mechwarrior Online (MWO) is one I happened to be on. However in the realms of MWO, something tragic happened in May. One of our youngest mechwarrior, Sarah Parries, a 5 years old girl passed away due to cancer. In memory of her, a special mech (the super size heavy metal battle machines) was created with greenish paint, a teddy bear logo as well as a pink unicorn.

While many of us had passed on each and every day, and some do have a decent virtual influence, none had been like this. This is sad even though Kitty has 9 lives. The mech created is sold for USD$10 and all purchased donated to Canada Cancer Society in memory of little Sarah. It had raise almost USD$100K by now and for once I said the money was well spend (not on the mech) but for a good cause.

I know this is basically a SL blog, but for once, I am breaking the rules and posting this. If you are not on Mechwarrior Online and/or doesn't want to start, there is way to donate directly too, but one other way is to ask around and see if your friends or relative do play and sponsor him or her on the mech if he / she had not purchased it. Then again, why not just join MWO for fun?

Buy the mech and support the fight against cancer:
http://mwomercs.com/sarah

FAQ and if you want to donate more or direct:
http://mwomercs.com/forums/topic/127845-sarahs-mech-frequently-asked-questions/

Old and Gone and Why I hate Fucking Gor

They said some things new would become old someday and eventually someday you will have to let it go. Guess there is no better time to do some spring cleaning on my friend's list and blog list. I just came to realized some links to my blog had long been removed and I am still loyally keeping mine to theirs. When it comes to any form or relationship, I guess it is just hard to "still be friends". Its as suc ha urban legend in sl as in rl. It really doesn't matter whether I deleted them or they deleted me. I am just pretty sure its the end.

I might as well clean up for people whom I will probably never meet again because they are always in some sim wearing RP hubs which prevent any form of out-of-sim communication suc has IM. Doesn't really make sense to have a friend whom live in another dimension and never return your calls right?

And to some extend, I am pounding on some who I can still IM, but I will never be able to meet anymore. Why? Thanks to some RP restriction, either they can leave that sim or they can't leave Gor. So no happy dancing, windows shopping or even a cup of tea in the gardens with friends like this any more. In fact, the only way I can probably see them is by a picture they take. Well, that is if taking photo is even allowed.

I don't want to lie and say I feel so calm writing this. I am very mad. Got simply destroys friendship. I rather people who goes to Gor not make friend with me or use a alt instead. But of course using an alt is probably not allowed too. It really makes me so mad once I had a friend who deleted me out of a sudden after a week of spending time together and talking in Mystical. The reason. Her master decides who she can keep on her friend list. In OOC. WTF??? Sorry to say, but people who think this way really deserve to live in some places in Middle East. "We can't help these people who can't help themselves!" I recalled once someone much older and I respected told me and being young and idealistic, I thought he was an old fool.

Well, anyway, that's for friend list. And a big middle finger to Gor. ( -_-)凸

Anyway for you reading this blog, there is no major differences. I just unlinked some blogs which decided not to link to me any more and I guess its better this way. I don't want to have anything more to do with them. While there are some blogs which are not updated, I am still keeping them on. Meanwhile I will search for better blogs related to SL and add them on.

Btw, its really the sim called Embryo is gone. I had went with the 1 person whom most don't deserved to and many which I hadn't. Guess I need to really make up on those times. Ironcially, when some things dies, so does does the sim. It was a GREAT job and I will miss it (The Sim).

And I end it with a inspirational quote.

Farewell Jenny Ann

I did not want to write anymore and I thought my death will do well to end my SL for good. After all, there is  very little point of running around taking photos and doing treasure hunts when there is no one to share the joy with. Its not that I do not have friends, but rather solitude is just my destiny.

But sometimes tragedy just love to struck me when the time cannot be worse. As if I could even see Lady Fate grins when she does this, I got a really grave news one mornign right before breakfast when JennyAnnP logged in and after my "Hi, long time no see..." I get a cold "I am Jenny's cousin..." Immediately. I knew someone is VERY wrong...

My worse fear had become true. It seems that Jenny were at a party and when returning home, her car drove right into a truck. She did not make it. I did not had breakfast that morning. I am sad. But the cruelty of this was this had happened before and it was all but a very cruel joke and she was alive claiming her roommate lied about her death. I do not know if I should be crying or not.

Her cousin then tell me she is keeping track of her friends she informed and deleting one by one... and before she goes if I want to see her one last time. Of course I did. And she even gave me Harley's outfit. I will miss playing in Gothem with Jenny. I remember when we first met, Harkey and Helena. What a unexpected pair.

I held me tears and I skipped breakfast. I wanted to cry, but I bottled it up. I just want to write about it.
I am going to miss you Jenny Ann.

Taken from her profile... You are so cute my friend.

This is the only SL picture I had with you Jenny. I wish I could recover those we took in Gothem, but tis all gone. I will miss Harley. I will miss you Jenny. Rest in Peace.

In Memory of a Kitty

I saw something rather disturbing this morning that I do not know how long before I could shake the feeling away... But I just feel like dressing up as Kitty in memory of this.

I am sorry I did nothing and there was nothing I could do... Please forgive me...

Gilbert O'Sullivan ~ Alone Again (Naturally)

In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to
Make it clear to whoever
Wants to know what it's like
When you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Were people saying, My God, that's tough
She stood him up
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about, God in His mercy
Oh, if he really does exist
Why did he desert me
In my hour of need
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
there are more hearts
Broken in the world
that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do
What do we do

Alone again, naturally

Looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start
With a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

Evanescence ~ My Heart is Broken

Songwriters: TIM MCCORD, ZACH WILLIAMS, AMY LEE, TERRY BALSAMO

I will wander 'till the end of time torn away from you.

I pulled away to face the pain.
I close my eyes and drift away.
Over the fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul.
And I will wander 'till the end of time
Torn away from you.

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold
(Over my hard... heart)

I can't go on living this way
And I can't go back the way I came
Chained to this fear that I will never find
A way to heal my soul
And I will wander 'till the end of time
Half alive without you

My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us

Change - open your eyes to the light
I denied it all so long, oh so long
Say goodbye, goodbye

My heart is broken
Release me, I can't hold on
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us
My heart is broken
Sweet sleep, my dark angel
Deliver us from sorrow's hold