It had been more than 24 hours and I realized that I had been isolated in my facebook, my google and sl account. Abandoned, like a damaged doll. Even for a brief moment in time, almost like a heartbeat, I thought we had something.
That night, when I jumped and landed on the upper platform was the beginning of this all. How I was drunk in rl and I was trying to steal the wooden rocking horse was just a fun unplanned roleplay what happened briefly. Nobody noticed or at least bothered with me. Except him. I needed the confident that night to roleplay again and no matter how unlikely things seems to be. We talked. He talked to this childish little girl which really had nothing better to do that very night.
His IM were the first time I saw when I wakes up, and the last thing I did was to IM him back right before I sleep. His words had found a place deep in my heart and it is funny how nothing much else really matters but small things like this. At one point of time, I really wondered, how is it that you would take notice of the very insignificant girl I am. It was before I knew about how popular you were from my sisters.
Many stories were told, some worse than others. But I did not lose hope, still holding on to a dream and yes it was just my dream, never was yours. You kept on jumping from girls to girls, but I never give up thinking I was special. That perhaps somehow you will find an excuse to give me a chance to be yours. Many people thought I was stupid. But I know the feeling, like sulphur going into my lungs, except in a nice way, lighting up my heart and feeling the warmth in my chest. I had not learned to love again in the past 2 years, looking past my sorrow and hardship of coping alone. And alone these 2 years had been a really long time.
How I remember some of the nicer moments, the times we spend cuddling, almost as if we are lovers in real. I cannot even given a name to it because we are not whatever that came to mind. Although we never really had a night that made you mine or me yours. It was all these little bit and pieces that makes up the beautiful puzzle in my mind now. Of how I had fell in love with an imaginary you.
Many people laughs at my 'love' for you. How I had kept to myself and not been playing with the rest of the guys in the sim. I had my dark past, but I am sure I could move past that with a little help. From you. I did not want anyone else to be here first. I felt that if anyone deserved my heart, I would want him to be you. But you just smashed it to the ground. Into a thousands pieces and mock me with people who used to be my friends. I wish I had a hole to jump into and be buried away. I feel so ashamed.
And yet, jealousy had once again wedged between us. I am no saint. As much as I wished I was. My feelings are real. I do not do things just for the reason of doing so because I can. I feel loved, happiness and lonely, sad perhaps too. Time after time, you left in the middle to run after someone else. You said it was a game. Everyone else. Maybe to you I was a game too. But I was asked to not feel it. Because I continue to believe. That when you told me you liked me, it was something real and how you cared. I was touched. Very much so because at my weakest time at the hospital. I was alone. With a mobile phone. You where there. My best friend whom I always wanted like a mom was there. Nobody else. It felt real then. I knew my sadness was real. But you comforted me as I weeps like a child there. I was truly touched. And I am not someone who love to hide my feelings. Enough. For 2 long years I had. It was not because I approve of your games. Given a choice I would object, but you made me choose if it was you or nothing. I sealed my lips and bottled my emotion. It did not felt good. I knew someday I would not be able to force any more of these inside me. That someday was that day.
I was angry and I totally lost control of myself. I had never felt so insulted and used. I keep making up excuses for you that it was how you had seen things. It may not matter to you, but it did to me. I asked for it? I kept trying to convince me that you were right, but in the end, I thought I deserved better. You are right about it is not my business. But you are my business. That is because I cared and bothered. You never really bothered about me. What I wrote and said. It never occurs to you that I wanted you to see them? Not once. I thought everything else was unreal. That night, an invisible wall was cast in between us and I realized it divides us forever. I was appreciated. In fact I was blamed. Because I felt. I, Kitty, is not a robot. And will never be one. I laughs when I am happy and cries when I am sad. I am more human than I want to admit.
It has been more than a day now. I notice how you had deleted all links with me. I know you will never read this. But still my heart hopes. I do not know why. My sis told me that you are no good for me, like poison I kept drinking and killing myself slowly. She wanted me to block you. I did, but I cheated. I know you could still contact me if you really want to. Until I realized that I was blocked off your facebook as well. I wanted to call you and cry, to beg you to take me back, not a care of how pathetic and shameless I looked. I wanted to tell you, I wont care as long as you are still with me, what you treat me as. But I knew better. I knew I had missed that chance. I can only wonder who you are holding now, and it will never be me in your embrace. I still find myself lost and confused, trapped in the memories of the past, of some truth in it and some of my imaginary possibilities. I feel myself drowning in this denial to believe that you are gone. I knew many will laugh behind my back. This stupid girl. But I know its ok. Because I don't care anymore. I wish I could see your IM, but remember how I had now blocked you and you probably never bothered trying to reach me anyway. I wished you had dropped me an email, telling me how all these is going to be okay and I will live on. But I know in the end... The truth is when it comes to choosing, I am all the way at the bottom of your list. Never been yours and never will be.
That is all that there is now. Me and myself. And I never realized how much it can hurt to love someone who never was mine.
No comments:
Post a Comment